my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you guys were way drunker than both of me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize