After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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