I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
