My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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