Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
not ubering you a puppy
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
