i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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