In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
