and you said cock pushups were impossible
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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