No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
