You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
