just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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