i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
