Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
