Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
