I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
