her vagine was all disorganized.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
