if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
