You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
