He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
