best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
