She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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