remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My penis needs a shock collar
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
