Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
