I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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