ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I smell stomach acid.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
