I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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