Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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