Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
