hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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