My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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