I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
