We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
