I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
