I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
