Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
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