I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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