the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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