between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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