apparently the secret to your success is patron
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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