I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
