I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
