don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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