that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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