im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
