I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?