i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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