You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
