then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
