I love black thongs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
