Porn is love you can see.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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