i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
