$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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