now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
