I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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