youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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