Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
